Waterboard Your Child to Better Grades

Parents are always searching for more effective and less traumatizing ways to discipline children and encourage good behavior. That’s why many parents today have turned to waterboarding.

Waterboarding has a rich and storied history in education, from the Khmer Rouge to our very own United States, and that’s because it works. Waterboarding is a proven, effective way to change behavior. Many experts are now recommending waterboarding be a tool in every parent’s toolbox, alongside positive discipline, time-outs, and allowance.

“In a longitudinal study with 800 subjects, we found that waterboarding is, bar none, the most effective method of altering behavior in children,” says child-interrogation expert Abu Domi Saquaan from Saudi Arabia’s Allah Medical School. “Whether in improving a child’s study habits or simply making them more unquestioningly obedient to authorities such as teachers, interrogators or Imams, waterboarding is very effective at producing positive behavioral changes.”

Waterboarding can come to the aid of young people struggling to maintain productive homework habits primarily for its unique ability to stimulate the human drowning reflex. By simply pouring a steady stream of water into a child’s mouth and nose through a suffocating towel or cloth, parents can unlock a new layer of cooperation and productivity in their children.

Said one mom, Karen Witteger of Akron, OH. “Unlike other more traditional methods of physical disciplining, waterboarding fits my lifestyle because it has no risk of permanent physical damage.”

Waterboarding is so potent that researchers like Dr. Allen Kunstler of the U.S. National Security Administration say its effects can linger months and even years after the last bout of waterboarding. “Parents who have waterboarded in the past have found that even mentioning the word, ‘waterboarding’ can immediately change a child’s grades,” Dr. Kunstler says. “Something as simple as the sound of water pouring from a faucet can send a previously moody child into a paroxysm of rigid attention to schoolwork.”

Other experts have found that waterboarding can positively affect siblings and other family as well. “We found that exposing children between 5 and 10 years old to footage of other children, adults or animals being waterboarded made them more manageable,” says Dr. Erin Tsu from John Hopkins University. “The effect was even stronger when the children were held in the same basement area as the target, or if the waterboardee was someone they knew, liked, or otherwise did not want to see killed.”

While waterboarding is safe when done correctly, proponents like Dr. Kunstler recommend the procedure be undertaken with care. “Waterboard for no more than 25 to 30 seconds,” warns Dr. Kunstler, “If the child stops struggling and screaming, you have gone too far.”

INFANT WATERBOARDING

Many doctors and child behaviorists note that waterboarding can be effective with children of all ages. A 2004 Stanford study found that even with infants to those up to 4-years-old, waterboarding can be a useful aid in eating right, going to bed on time, even behaving in public.

Johnson & Johnson has announced the release of a portable waterboarding kit for parents. The unit attaches to infant car seats, converting them instantly to a waterboarding platform. “I don’t like to resort to turning on the digital devices like a phone or a DVD player in the card to get my kids to behave,” Witteger says. “Now I have another tool.”

For all its potential to make the lives of parents easier, waterboarding, according to Dr. Kunstler, could soon see a surge of adherents. “I believe this harmless technique will soon be in widespread use not just in international affairs, as we see it now, but it in our homes, schools, and places of worship in the years to come.”