Pfizer Introduces Viagra for Children

The blue pill is turning baby blue.

Pfizer has received FDA approval to begin marketing a version of its popular Viagra pill designed to help an estimated 30 million children battling early onset erectile dysfunction.

“Viagra Kidz is yet another treatment option available for newborns and toddlers who suffer from sexual impotence,” said Dr. Nathaniel Katz, a researcher at Pfizer. “Children with performance problems in the bedroom should consult their pediatrician to discuss their needs before having intercourse.”

The pill is available in fun shapes like Pikachu, Cap’n Turbot, and Big Bird and works quickly to activate chemicals throughout the child’s body that relax underdeveloped muscle tissue, increase blood flow to the penis, and lead to more powerful ejaculations.

“In clinical trials, 83% of infants were able to achieve a thick and firm erection in as little as five minutes and 92% achieved orgasm after penetration,” Dr. Katz said, noting that these metrics help grow an infant’s sexual confidence, allowing them to have fun and spontaneous sex whenever the moment strikes. “However, children should seek immediate pediatric help if they experience an erection lasting longer than five hours, as it could impede brain development.”

Pfizer now hopes to obtain FDA approval for a female version of the pill, enabling previously non-orgasmic baby girls to achieve multiple clitoral and G-spot orgasms.