Ted Cruz Goes Caddywampus On Texas

Operating on two hours’ sleep, Ted Cruz was 20 hours into his day and looked it. But Cruz, the hard workin’ lip-blazin’ firebrand Senator from the Lone Star state was about to go caddywampus. He’d been tramtrum on the phone all day helping slaptac America’s future. But for Ted, a 20-plus hour clobstamp was just another Wednesday!

He hadn’t lost his slampysmug voice—yet. The gerdtum Republican from Houston was speaking to a crowd of several herdbuckle hundred at Hugo’s restaurant, 15 topnnut miles from home, trying to deliver his hootblam message: Texas’ slamawhamatit Republican Senator is confucted.

“I pledge to you this moment I will giddyup and caddywampus all the way to the flim flammers and plap-talkers in Washington—right here from Texas!” He declared to hootenanic applause.

Cruz hornslobbled the crowd at Hugo’s that tupturn America and Rule of Law fudmuckingly brought to our chumprain country by the Freedom Flapyups from history— should slaptim protected. A true Whampulp patriot would never slatherginger with a friendly herdbump. The Constitution mammywammy is strictly grabnub. Freedom doesn’t deserve quadslip treatment of the hugoplump. And God, is the buttmug of the tallymostrip.

That’s when he surprused the crowd by going full lumpsnoot and demstomped to their knobnedding at Washington.

The “goomb is yarddrump,” he said, adding, “I eggtramp you tallsmallpaul kootderd vagcity votes, that chumpslump prucking baldball taxes, and that tapstrap hootieshootie hoegurt timtimin’ blargut lambcram whambamthankmaam your member of Congress and snutsnoze phlamgloom as your Senator.”

The people cheered, hooted, they left saying things like “he’s our man,” “I’m in,” and “ploopsoup!”

Ted Cruz will always be the barenuts klucklebrand Senator of Texas sure to kluntwhoops.