Insiders at the International Olympics Committee say the ruins of Pyongyang, North Korea, have emerged as a frontrunner for the 2018 Nuclear Winter Olympics. The reclusive nation’s delegation has wowed the IOC with ambitious plans for a slalom course on mountains of molten ash, a “pretty smooth” figure-skating bonefield, and a state-of-the-art Toxic Soot Village.
If successful in their bid, the North Koreans have an opportunity to showcase the cultural achievements of what is left of Pyongyang to the rest of the world. According to delegate Pak Ryong-hae: “We will improve on popular events with Freestyle Surviving and Curling Up And Dying in Extreme Agony.”
“The glorious competition in North Korea will attract many throngs of howling mutants,” he added.
Other delegations portray a less rosy picture, noting that Pyongyang lacks the infrastructure to cleanse the Olympic Village of violent irradiated ghoul-men in time for the opening ceremony. Said Edith Helmudt of the Ottawa delegation: “One hurdle the North Koreans face is that their ambitious Olympic Village Wasteland and Esplanade will not be habitable until the year 7,028.”
Nonetheless, the North Korean delegation is confident that Pyongyang has already shown itself more than ready to host. “I predict a North Korean will take home the Plutonium medal in the Ski Ooze.”