McDonald’s: Customers Agree Hamburger + Penis = ;-)

After decades of including toys with Happy Meals and giving away millions through Monopoly promotions, McDonald’s says the latest market research points to customers really just wanting a little penis with their food.

When the chain posted “Penis + Hamburger = ;-)” to its website and tweeted “Dicks!” last Friday, McDonald’s revealed its decision to finally include penises with all hamburger purchases, and customers are responding favorably, according to McDonald’s officials.

“As a proud penis enthusiast, I’m thrilled our customers have reacted so positively to this fun new way to enjoy our classic hamburgers,” said Brain Cahill, manager of culinary innovation. “Drape a penis over one of our signature made-to-order Mushroom & Swiss Burgers or simply make sustained eye contact with a penis while enjoying any one of our 100% all beef hamburgers.”

Each McDonald’s location includes a self-order kiosk that dispenses several customized hamburger and “penis ;-)” with every purchase as part of a long term strategic plan to upgrade its dining and penis experience. Plus, customers who don’t want to wait for the penis can use the McDelivery app to guarantee penis at their doorstep in minutes.

The chain has also launched an aggressive marketing campaign to spread penis. In one television ad, McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook delicately pokes then slaps his penis into a hamburger before instructing viewers to liberally apply Big Mac Special Sauce to their own penises, testicles, and perineum with an ice cold Coca Cola for just $1.

While this deal is for a limited time only, Cahill said he is currently developing a companion “uncut 10-inch cock :-*” promotion later this year.