ICE: ‘We’re All Just Children Trapped Inside Cage Of Human Psyche’

ICE Enforcement and Removal Operations issued a statement last week reminding parents of detained immigrant children that, from a Husserlian perspective, we are all just children trapped within the cage of the human psyche. “For the mind itself is a cage,” explained Acting ICE Director Matthew Albence, “one which, by its very nature, houses a child wrapped in the aluminum blanket of the ego.”

In the statement, Albence asked, “Do not we too sleep on the cold hard concrete of this waking dream that is life? And is the harsh fluorescent light that continuously beats upon a 3-year-old not the very same light of human consciousness that shines within us all?”

Addressing concerns of malnutrition, he challenged immigrant families to recall a time when they, unlike their captive toddlers, did not discover inner strength by enduring life’s great rancid meals. “I believe it was Nietzsche who once remarked, ‘I do not point to the evil and pain of existence with the finger of reproach, but rather entertain the hope that I shall someday consume an open package of raw chicken that has spent several days leaking blood over a refrigeration unit.'”

“Perhaps we should also ask ourselves: what is a child? Is a child anyone with head lice who drinks out of a urine-caked toilet bowl and hasn’t showered or brushed their teeth in weeks? I say no. A child in the truest sense is merely the semi-independent sub-personality subordinate to your waking conscious mind.”

Since the release of the statement, DHS confirmed that at least seven children in ICE custody no longer exist.